First Day of School. Will I be lonely?

Hellooo,

Today was the first day of Term 3- the last term of Year 11! I will become a Year 12 student after this term. I realised that Year 11 makes me lonely because sometimes when I don't have classes, I walk home by myself. I expect Yr 12 would be the same. :(

I thought today was a fun day. I laughed a lot for the first time in 2 weeks. I read an article and it said "People who tend to laugh the loudest/most are the saddest". I think it's right because at home I feel lonely despite having family members around so I feel REALLY sad. But when I'm with friends I tend to laugh A LOT. The only lonely part of my day was walking home from the station because my friends take the train home and I don't.

I think I have a split personality. When I'm with my family, I'm serious and neutral but when I'm with friends I tend to be very crazy, bubbly and active. I really don't know what my real self is because I feel very comfortable with both personalities. I don't feel like I act that way to fit in or be liked or you know impress.

I've always make myself look presentable to please others but now that I realise that, I've decided that I won't make myself look presentable for others but for myself. I want to look good for myself so that I'll feel good. Having this lonely business is very sad and I can't share it with anyone besides Black Rabbit. But because Black Rabbit isn't here for me any more, I will try to forget about my loneliness problem and try to be pretty for myself because that's what makes me happy.

The only problem is.. when you're lonely..you can't help but think how lonely you are and how much you want some companionship. Some people are very fortunate to be popular and to ALWAYS have someone. But my wish is not to be more popular but to actually have a Black Rabbit where I can depend on when times are tough. A Black Rabbit that will ALWAYS be there. Not just for a month or two months or so, but for LIFE.

Please comment how you deal with loneliness so I can follow on because, I don't want to be lonely any more !

- Black Rabbit~

Lonely

Hello,

Recently I have been feeling very lonely. If anyone has read Koko Ni Iru Yo, I too had a black rabbit. My Black Rabbit was very supportive of me. He stops me from feeling lonely. I once told my Black Rabbit that I was very lonely walking to school all by myself. Every day when I would walk to school, I see other students with their friends, talking and laughing. My Black Rabbit seems to ALWAYS walk to school with friends because Black Rabbit is popular.

Hearing how lonely I was, Black Rabbit asked if he could walk with me to school. I was surprised at first but of course I agreed. The next morning Black Rabbit and I walked to school together, and for the first time, knowing that someone wanted to meet me before school to walk together, made me VERY happy :)

I also moved to a different class so the girls in my new class were very awkward with me so I wasn't looking forward to going to maths. But Black Rabbit offered to sit with me. It, however, did not end well...the teacher moved Black Rabbit closer to the front of the class so we got separated. But knowing that he wanted to sit next to me made me happy as well :)

But you know, whenever good things like this happen to me, I always end up feeling even more sad. I can never get my up hopes that finally there's someone who will stay with me as a true friend. Not long after that we grew distant. We stopped talking online and when we saw each other in the corridors we never greeted each other. Once we happened to walk with each other to school, but Black Rabbit instead chose to walk on the other side of the road.

This broke my heart. I don't know what I did wrong. Whenever I make up a conversation with him online, we always have an awkward silence and it just ends there. So once again I felt lonely. Knowing that Black Rabbit was there to hear me complain about my issues made me relax but lately there was no one to confide with and that made me feel sad and lonely. I doubted myself so much.

But I came across a song that really described this feeling and from then on I kept replaying it as if the writer new how I felt and made it especially for me. If anyone is lonely, I request you to listen to Lonely by B1A4. If you don't understand Korean make sure to translate the lyrics and you'll understand.

I'm going to stop ranting now...I hope everyone's not feeling lonely at the moment, because..I know how you feel...

Black Rabbit~